Some days I say to God: Why even bother? Leave me alone! I am not worth your energy.
After all these years of following him and claiming I am a believer, I find that, probably, I am the worst Christian in the world. I don’t kill and I don’t sleep around, but I get angry and I gossip.
I don’t exactly lie, but I avoid the truth, or change it—ever so slightly.
I am not very kind or generous, especially when I have not slept enough, or when it is a particularly tight month financially. (I am also not generous with certain items, such as my chocolate or my favorite pens.)
As I have mentioned in this blog before: I am not very courageous.
I think about reading my Bible, but oftentimes I find magazines, newspapers and my books more interesting.
I think about praying, but my mind wanders when I pray for longer than 30 seconds.
I have totally given up on fasting.
I prefer sleeping in and going for walks on Sunday mornings.
I get bored during worship, especially if they sing more than three songs, and the choirs more than once in the end.
I can’t quote hardly any Bible verses, and I have a hard time finding some of the books in the Bible.
So there, now I have said it! It’s not a secret to God that I am such a loser. He knows already. But in case you thought I had it together, now you know I don’t.
And, the thing I remind myself is that His love does not depend on my Bible memorization skills nor on my church attendance. Just like I love my kids just the same whether they read Shakespeare or not, whether they get all A’s or not, whether they take out the trash when I ask them, or not, so God’s love for me is the same—always.
That is a good thing. And I will try to get better. Promise.